In no particular order, these are the 14 ways you can virtue signal your way into a green heaven. Tick off all the items on this list to hit peak virtue. Your mother would be so proud.
Buy an all-electric car
Totally virtue signalling because you don’t get your energy from a renewable energy supplier. Dude, you totally charge your electric vehicle using fossil fuel and don’t even care. Then there’s the non-existent long-distance range because there are like zero chargers and if you do find one, it’s not convenient and takes hours you didn’t bank on.
Oh yeah, and your car was made with absolutely zero f#&~$ given to the environment. But hey, everyone sees you driving that brand new Tesla or whatever and thinks you’re green.
Get solar panels
Stick ‘em on your roof for the ultimate virtue signal. Yeah, you love solar so much you’re happy to spend thousands to deface our own property. In your face.
Become vegan
Obviously just to tell everyone you’re vegan. Also be sure to take like forever when ordering things from the menu so everyone sits there hungry and depressed as you bleat on about how much better it is for the environment to be vegan. Oh yeah, and you actually care about the feelings of all animals. Except the ones opposite you that just want to enjoy their steak in peace.
Protest oil pipelines
Oil is bad and dirty. But only when it’s in your back yard. Sure, you’ll use oil and oil derived products but as soon as they need to build a big dirty pipeline near your house, “not in my back yard”. You’re a NIMBY, pulling out all the right words like ‘spill’, ‘pollution’ and ‘environment’.
Shame you couldn’t bring yourself to form the sentence you’re thinking in your head. Let us help you: “this pipeline could burst resulting in a huge oil spill, releasing pollution that will destroy the environment in my back yard”.
Buy sustainable products
You buy sustainable products just because they include the word ‘sustainable’. you don’t five a f#&~ about the where or how, just the word. What does ‘sustainable’ even mean tho?
Get a green mobile phone contract
I mean, you’re right here on the website for Greenermobiles so you may as well. Invest in a green mobile phone contract today.
Buy green things
Like literally buy everything in the colour green. Start with a green mobile.
Put on green body paint
The ultimate in greenwashing and virtuesignalling is to take a bath in green paint. Then you really will be green from head to toe. Nobody can walk past without respecting how green you are.
Make everything green
Since we’re on the subject of green, make everything else green. Not just buying them green, if they’re not green coloured already, fix that.
Green logos, green colour theme on your ancient windows 95 box with the energy star logo, green coloured website with green text on a green background. Okay, we’re done with the colour green for now.
Subscribe to National Geographic
Because the World Wide Fund for nature just don’t cut it any more. Threatening the World Wrestling Federation over use of the acronym WWF left a bad taste in your mouth; reminiscent of a wrestler’s jock strap. I mean they could have just been the WWFN.
Buy a Greta Thunberg bumper sticker
Now everyone can see you’re serious about this green thing. There is no planet ‘B’.
Take public transport everywhere
Even if that means taking a bus and going 2 hours out of your way just to stick it to those fools in their monster trucks. Or how about those trains? Way more expensive than driving a car, but you’ll still insist on paying a premium to be herded like our bovine friends.
Or you could just bum a lift from friends with the most polluting vehicles so you can lecture them on being green while using them as a free taxi.
Get a wind turbine
Just in case slapping a couple of solar panels wasn’t ostentatious enough for you, you could always erect a wind turbine. People for miles around can admire your signal.
Fly half way across the world to attend COP
You’re the ultimate in cool and just told everyone you’re flying off to COP26/27/28/29 etc first class. Even better, in your private jet. Then you give a speech for half an hour, probably telling everyone to do all the things on this list, drop the mic, get a standing ovation, then leave.
To be fair it could be any climate change summit where you and thousands of others converge in one place and get a bunch of free yet absolutely disposable gifts to listen to a bunch of people go ‘bla bla bla’ for like two weeks, dragging on without pause or ending a bit like this sentence. That’s gotta be peak virtue, right?
You are now a virtue signaller
Okay, you got it now? Just do a bunch of things you don’t even believe in just to show how caring and successful you are at saving the planet. How many can you tick off this green lifestyle list?
